An Incomplete List of Things I'm Going to Do When this Shitstorm Passes

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  • Get a haircut and give my stylist a 100% tip

  • Get a massage

  • Get another massage

  • Get a massage every day for a week straight (or longer)

  • Go to an in-person yoga class and give my teacher a humongous full-body hug that lasts at least a full minute

  • Take my daughter to Balboa Park, Little Italy, the waterfront path, Mission Beach, Gaslamp/East Village, and all my other favorite neighborhoods around the county

  • Let Onyx run free as long as she wants at Dog Beach

  • Stroll up and down every aisle at Trader Joe’s instead of quickly honing in on the exact items on my list and nothing else

  • Ditto for Target and TJ Maxx

  • Pick up items in stores, then change my mind and put them back

  • Visit my friend’s thrift shop and spend at least an hour perusing all the treasures and chatting

  • Get a tattoo

  • Do cartwheels at a trailhead because the trails are freaking open

  • Squeeze all the yarn at my favorite yarn store

  • Get in-person help on a tricky pattern at said yarn store instead of struggling through it myself with YouTube videos

  • High-five everybody at group runs

  • Browse at indie bookstores until I pick up two or three books that I was not already looking for

  • Spend a couple hours writing at my favorite coffee shops

  • Happy hour with my gamer babes, obviously

  • Dance at my brother’s wedding

  • Get a fresh donut

  • Take a zillion pictures of my daughter meeting my cousin’s baby boy for the first time

  • Nibble samples from the farmers’ market

Everything I've Learned About Being a Parent So Far

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First, let’s get this out of the way:

Having a baby during flu season and on the eve of a global pandemic?

0/10, do not recommend, would not do again.

I’ve been keeping a note in my phone for at least a month now with some thoughts and observations on parenting. Because after doing this for 13 whole weeks, I’m definitely an expert and know exactly what I’m doing. I no longer call my mom with questions like “how much spit up is normal?” or “does sleeping while eating count as a nap, or is it normal for her to be wide awake for almost four hours so far?” I don’t spend at least 90 minutes a day trying to calculate when her last nap should start and end so that bedtime can happen by 8 PM. And I definitely no longer Google stuff like “when do babies roll over?” or “how much tummy time for 11 week olds?”

So here we go.

  • There is no such thing as too many burp cloths.

  • I’m talking to you, childless people who are completely befuddled by parents’ ability to wildly underreact when they come into direct contact with another human’s bodily fluids: it really is not that bad. You won’t believe until you do it yourself, but I’m telling you anyway. Yes, it’s annoying and gross, but it’s just your reality for the time being, so you deal with it and move on, hopefully with a little grace or sense of humor.

  • If you are wondering if you’re “ready” to have a kid, the most important question to ask yourself, after “can I more or less swing this financially?” is “does my home have a washer and dryer, or can I pay someone to come to my home 2-3 times a week to do my laundry at the communal laundry room or a laundromat?” If the answer is no, I strongly urge you to wait a bit longer.

  • SwaddleMe Velcro blankets are the best. Do not bother trying to replicate the adorable swaddles you’ll see on Instagram or YouTube with regular blankets. I don’t know what kind of deal with the devil those people made but it’s probably not worth it.

  • I recommend the Taking Cara Babies newborn class, and also just having a baby who might be naturally inclined to be good at sleeping. Here’s the thing about babies: they’re all so different, not just from each other but also from themselves like, 24 hours ago, so it’s really hard to truly determine whether what I’m doing is actually having a positive affect, or if the baby would sleep for six hours straight even if I hadn’t mastered the five S’s and figure out the exact precise volume for the sound machine. Basically parenting is the shrug emoji 24/7.

  • Breastfeeding sucks. Even if you don’t have latch issues or low supply, it still sucks. That said, there’s a level of suckiness you kinda have to deal with (mild to moderate discomfort, sore boobs/nipples (I’ve grown to really hate the word nipple over the last few months), the hassle and grind of living your life in 2-3 hour chunks, terrible nursing bras, always running out of nursing pads at the worst possible time), and suckiness you should not deal with (intense pain, cracked/bleeding nipples, tongue and lip ties). Seek help! It’s out there! Also, nipple cream. And you won’t believe it in the first few weeks, but it does get better and easier. I was told to stick it out until 6 weeks and it still sucked then, but by 8 weeks or so we were doing pretty well.

  • Speaking of nursing bras and tanks. Manufacturers of said items, can you meet me at the mic for a moment? Say it with me: lining and support. These are two things that nursing boobs desperately need and yet are sorely lacking from the vast majority of nursing bras. I don’t know, maybe if I was willing spend $70+ per bra, I might think differently, but I’m trying to be frugal with my nursing gear. (Also, all you lactation consultants who claim that breastfeeding is “free” compared to formula, I have receipts.)

  • That said, if you have an FSA account, a shit-ton of nursing and baby gear is covered! AND you can buy that stuff on Amazon with your FSA card and you can even buy nursing pads, baby sunscreen, a rectal thermometer with a new robe, a six-pack of bib bandannas, and a 3-month size sherpa hoodie and Amazon will automatically figure out how much to charge the FSA card and how much to charge your regular credit card.

  • If you can — i.e., if you have decent parental leave — try to spend at least one nap a day lying on the couch with your baby on your chest. Meditate or read a book while the little peanut snoozes. It is the absolute best.

  • How to get poop stains out of clothes and sheets: cold water rinse, then soak in cold water with Oxiclean (rub the Oxiclean into the stain a bit). Let soak a few hours or overnight. Wash with regular detergent on cold. Make sure the stain is out before putting it in the dryer. This has worked for us so far, I swear.

  • Baby smiles and giggles and little coos really are the absolute best.

  • Babies in sherpa hoodies are THE CUTEST EVER I die from the cuteness every time I put her in her sherpa hoodie and I will be crushed when she outgrows it/San Diego gets too hot for it.

  • Baby clothing sizes vary widely between brands. I thought they’d be more like men’s pants, but no. Gerber onesies in particular run small — she was almost outgrowing 3-6 month Gerber onesies at 10 weeks but fits fine in 0-3 month sizes for other brands. She also outgrows clothes quicker because cloth diapers add some bulk.

That’s it, that’s all I know.

An Incomplete List of Things I'm Looking Forward to Doing with My Daughter

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  • Taking her to “baby and me” yoga as much as I can during my maternity leave

  • Taking her to Tahoe for the first time

  • Her first camping trip

  • Taking her to a baseball game

  • Taking all her “monthly milestone” photos

  • Taking her to Tahoe in the winter for the first time/taking her to the snow for the first time

  • Her first trip to Disneyland

  • Taking her to a Giants game at Oracle Park

  • Showing her the sea lions in San Francisco

  • Getting her first library card

  • Building forts in the living room

  • Helping her decorate her “big girl room” in the house we’ll hopefully buy in the next 4-5 years

  • Seeing what sport or athletic activity she decides to pursue, if any

  • Learning how to French braid her hair (and possibly giving up and making my husband do it instead)

  • Seeing if she’s more musically inclined than me, and if so, what instrument she picks up

  • Baking cookies and other goodies with her

  • Watching her in a school play, recital, or performance of some kind

  • Showing her how to make s’mores

  • Reading the Harry Potter series together

  • Helping her memorize The Sandlot as well I have

  • Her fifth trip to Disneyland

  • Teaching her how to cook our favorite meals

  • Taking her to her first teen music concert (remember how the audiences at BSB and NSYNC concerts were roughly one-third moms back in the day?)

  • Embarrassing her with my car karaoke and dancing

  • Taking her to Paris for a TBD birthday trip at some point

  • Her twentieth camping trip

  • Teaching her how to tie a cherry stem in a knot with her tongue (it’s a skill my mom taught me so I have to uphold tradition)

  • Finding new family pets

  • Telling her to wait for Dad if she needs help with physics homework

  • Helping her put together a resume

  • Finding at least 18 ways to make her not hate having a birthday right before Christmas

  • Hiding my tears as she leaves for kindergarten/summer camp/high school/prom/college

  • Her fifteenth trip to Disneyland

  • Helping her move into her first apartment

  • Helping her move out of her first apartment

  • Getting her to show me around whatever city she ends up living in

  • To be continued…

Baby Girl finally made her debut just before Christmas, and I’m living the #maternityleavelife right now.

This list was inspired by THE CHECKLIST BOOK by Alexandra Franzen. Get the book at your local bookstore, local public library, or order it online: http://bit.ly/the-checklist-book

Status Update

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It has been at least two years since I last wrote a blog post.

Let’s catch up, shall we?

In order, more or less…

Number 1: I’m a certified yoga teacher.

My “home studio” here in San Diego offers 200-hour yoga teacher training twice a year — one session is spread out over five months, meeting for intensive workshops every other weekend, and the other is a month-long intensive where you’re in daily workshops. As much as I love the idea of a month-long yoga immersion, I knew that option — essentially taking a full month off from work, or scaling down considerably — wasn’t really feasible. And every year, I’d start getting emails about the next round of the five-month training, check the dates, see at least two or three weekends where I already knew I’d be out of town or have some other commitment, and think maybe next year.

Until, finally, fall of 2017. I started getting those emails, I saw the flyers around the studio, I checked the dates and — what? I could commit to all of them? The investment was still a lot to stomach, but after talking it over with husband, I decided to go for it, and from February through early June 2018 (my birthday actually fell during the final graduation weekend), I studied asana and pranayama and the yamas and niyamas and bits and pieces of Sanskrit and all the things. It was amazing. This particular group of trainees was all women, and we had two incredible women as the lead instructors, and I’m so happy I took the chance when I could.

Number 2: I’m back in the corporate world.

Of everything on this list, this is the one I did not see coming. Last Christmas, we invited my best friend and her husband (and their dogs) up to Tahoe to hang out for a couple days before Christmas. She started telling me about a potential opening for an editor at her company, a large software firm, and it actually sounded kinda cool. Her understanding, at the time, was that it was a part-time, or at least flex-time, position that would allow me to work from home and still maintain my freelance work. I told her to let me know when/if she heard more and I’d think about it.

Then she texted me in early January saying the position was officially open and listed. It was actually a full-time position, but again, option to work remotely with some flexibility in my schedule. I went back and forth for awhile, but ultimately decided there was nothing lost in applying — I pulled together a proper resume for the first time in years, went through several rounds of interviews (including one where I had to fly to their headquarters in the Bay Area and sit through, like, five or six back-to-back interviews with the entire team I’d be working with, plus the department’s director and VP)…and ultimately, I got the offer.

Again, I went back and forth a good bit before deciding to accept. Telling some of my longtime freelance clients I’d no longer be able to work with them was tough. Giving up complete control of my schedule and transitioning back to having a boss was weird. But overall, it’s been a really good change. This is the first time I’ve been in corporate environment that doesn’t feel toxic or critically unstable. I’m working with people who know what they’re doing in a supportive structure. And I’m getting a regular paycheck and pretty sweet benefits, which is especially great because…

Number 3: Baby Keltner is coming in December!

We totally did not plan this timing, but…it worked out? I actually remember texting my brother to get his advice on which health plan to select “as someone who may possibly might get pregnant in the next year or so” and like, two weeks later, my husband and I were driving home from my grandparents’ on Easter Sunday, after a week me just not feeling great. I checked my mental calendar and suddenly said, “I think maybe I should take a pregnancy test when we get home.”

So…that’s happening. Without getting too TMI, it wasn’t exactly a surprise, but it wasn’t like we were actively “trying to conceive” either. Had I thought things through more carefully, I probably would’ve waited at least a few more months, until I was more settled in the new job — but I’m also excited to have a Christmas baby (I just really, really hope the kid comes out before Christmas, please please please).

Obviously I have lots more to say about this. For now, I’ll leave it at:

  • We’re waiting to find out the gender.

  • Pregnancy has been relatively easy and mostly free of complications, but it’s still weird AF and I don’t love it.

  • Good Lord, babies need a lot of crap.

Number 4: We re-did our kitchen!

This had been a long time coming — my husband had drawn up some plans and we’d mostly set up the Ikea kitchen planner to figure out what pieces and items we’d need ages ago — but the baby kinda kicked it into gear. We met with a friend whose dad is a contractor in July, I think, and after a couple delays, got things going by the end of August, and now all that’s left is one last cabinet door that we need to get custom-cut, new window treatments, and a new light in the dining area. And little things like organizers and containers for the pantry cabinet and drawers. But it’s so awesome and I love it. Maybe I’ll do a before-and-after/home tour post at some point?

The kitchen also kick-started a chain reaction of other home improvements and updates — we got rid of our old sectional in the living room (much to Onyx’s dismay) and our coffee table (which we loved but it just wasn’t quite the right size for the space) and finally, just last weekend, purchased a new couch and coffee table (and an entry console table I’ve wanted for the living room for at least a year). We’re in the process of converting my office (our second bedroom) into an office-slash-nursery which has been…interesting. We did some reorganizing in the bedroom to make room for baby things. It’s all still in progress and most of our condo is in a state right now, but it’s getting there, bit by tiny bit.

Number 5: Onyx is still the best.

Not really an update, just reminding you.