Everything I've Learned About Being a Parent So Far

First, let’s get this out of the way:

Having a baby during flu season and on the eve of a global pandemic?

0/10, do not recommend, would not do again.

I’ve been keeping a note in my phone for at least a month now with some thoughts and observations on parenting. Because after doing this for 13 whole weeks, I’m definitely an expert and know exactly what I’m doing. I no longer call my mom with questions like “how much spit up is normal?” or “does sleeping while eating count as a nap, or is it normal for her to be wide awake for almost four hours so far?” I don’t spend at least 90 minutes a day trying to calculate when her last nap should start and end so that bedtime can happen by 8 PM. And I definitely no longer Google stuff like “when do babies roll over?” or “how much tummy time for 11 week olds?”

So here we go.

There is no such thing as too many burp cloths.
I’m talking to you, childless people who are completely befuddled by parents’ ability to wildly underreact when they come into direct contact with another human’s bodily fluids: it really is not that bad. You won’t believe until you do it yourself, but I’m telling you anyway. Yes, it’s annoying and gross, but it’s just your reality for the time being, so you deal with it and move on, hopefully with a little grace or sense of humor.
If you are wondering if you’re “ready” to have a kid, the most important question to ask yourself, after “can I more or less swing this financially?” is “does my home have a washer and dryer, or can I pay someone to come to my home 2-3 times a week to do my laundry at the communal laundry room or a laundromat?” If the answer is no, I strongly urge you to wait a bit longer.
SwaddleMe Velcro blankets are the best. Do not bother trying to replicate the adorable swaddles you’ll see on Instagram or YouTube with regular blankets. I don’t know what kind of deal with the devil those people made but it’s probably not worth it.
I recommend the Taking Cara Babies newborn class, and also just having a baby who might be naturally inclined to be good at sleeping. Here’s the thing about babies: they’re all so different, not just from each other but also from themselves like, 24 hours ago, so it’s really hard to truly determine whether what I’m doing is actually having a positive affect, or if the baby would sleep for six hours straight even if I hadn’t mastered the five S’s and figure out the exact precise volume for the sound machine. Basically parenting is the shrug emoji 24/7.
Breastfeeding sucks. Even if you don’t have latch issues or low supply, it still sucks. That said, there’s a level of suckiness you kinda have to deal with (mild to moderate discomfort, sore boobs/nipples (I’ve grown to really hate the word nipple over the last few months), the hassle and grind of living your life in 2-3 hour chunks, terrible nursing bras, always running out of nursing pads at the worst possible time), and suckiness you should not deal with (intense pain, cracked/bleeding nipples, tongue and lip ties). Seek help! It’s out there! Also, nipple cream. And you won’t believe it in the first few weeks, but it does get better and easier. I was told to stick it out until 6 weeks and it still sucked then, but by 8 weeks or so we were doing pretty well.
Speaking of nursing bras and tanks. Manufacturers of said items, can you meet me at the mic for a moment? Say it with me: lining and support. These are two things that nursing boobs desperately need and yet are sorely lacking from the vast majority of nursing bras. I don’t know, maybe if I was willing spend $70+ per bra, I might think differently, but I’m trying to be frugal with my nursing gear. (Also, all you lactation consultants who claim that breastfeeding is “free” compared to formula, I have receipts.)
That said, if you have an FSA account, a shit-ton of nursing and baby gear is covered! AND you can buy that stuff on Amazon with your FSA card and you can even buy nursing pads, baby sunscreen, a rectal thermometer with a new robe, a six-pack of bib bandannas, and a 3-month size sherpa hoodie and Amazon will automatically figure out how much to charge the FSA card and how much to charge your regular credit card.
If you can — i.e., if you have decent parental leave — try to spend at least one nap a day lying on the couch with your baby on your chest. Meditate or read a book while the little peanut snoozes. It is the absolute best.
How to get poop stains out of clothes and sheets: cold water rinse, then soak in cold water with Oxiclean (rub the Oxiclean into the stain a bit). Let soak a few hours or overnight. Wash with regular detergent on cold. Make sure the stain is out before putting it in the dryer. This has worked for us so far, I swear.
Baby smiles and giggles and little coos really are the absolute best.
Babies in sherpa hoodies are THE CUTEST EVER I die from the cuteness every time I put her in her sherpa hoodie and I will be crushed when she outgrows it/San Diego gets too hot for it.
Baby clothing sizes vary widely between brands. I thought they’d be more like men’s pants, but no. Gerber onesies in particular run small — she was almost outgrowing 3-6 month Gerber onesies at 10 weeks but fits fine in 0-3 month sizes for other brands. She also outgrows clothes quicker because cloth diapers add some bulk.