How to Be an Asshole Yogi


Wait outside the studio impatiently for the class before your’s to finish. As soon as the teacher says “namaste,” rush in and start setting up your mat. Roll your eyes and glare at everyone in the previous class who’s taking their sweet time clearing out of the studio.

When your class ends, however, take your sweet time coming out of savasana. Sit in lotus and continue to meditate while students for the next class file in. Congratulate yourself on not letting their noise and movement distract you from your inner peace.

Always proclaim your disgust for yoga trends, like brewery yoga, acro-yoga, yoga pole dancing, dog yoga, and the like. Make sure to complain about the Westernization of yoga and never miss a chance to explain to people that asana is, like, the least important limb of the eight limbs of yoga (then go on to enlighten them about the other seven limbs they’re clearly missing out on).

Correct people’s pronunciations of Sanskrit words and phrases with more superiority than Hermione correcting Ron. It’s AD-ho MUK-ha-sva-NA-sa-na, not ad-HO muk-HA-sva-na-SA-na. 

Go to a beginner class, set up your mat front and center, and start “warming up” with advanced poses like headstand, full splits, and king pigeon. You’re inspiring all these newbies!

Loudly complain to your friend before class about all the newbies who show up right after the studio offers a Groupon deal.

Insist that your preferred style of yoga (Bikram, ashtanga, whatever) is the best form of yoga and, really, the only kind everyone should be doing (just not at your studio).

None of your yoga pants should cost less than $75.

Eat vegan, drink nothing but water, kombucha, and green juice, and lecture fellow yogis on ahimsa when you find they eat meat and sugar and drink alcohol.